8ball

"8-Ball" Willis is currently serving three concurrent life sentences in a maximum-security penitentiary. Although the state has deemed him a homicidal maniac with authority issues, Lost and Frowned has discovered a different side. 8-Ball is well known for giving some of the best advice on cellblock D. He’ll give it to ya straight, he’ll give it to ya tough, and he’ll even give it to ya in the shower if you're not careful. Got a question? Ask 8-Ball—he's not going anywhere.




Dear 8ball,
what should i do? im really bored!! please help me! what should i do to cure this bordem? --summerbordem


Dear Summerbordem,
When you say "bordem" did you mean Borden as in Gail Borden, Jr. (1801-1874)? Ya know, the first man to develop a commercial method of condensing milk. Or did you mean boredom? Ya know, the condition of being bored.
If it’s the latter, then I’d suggest getting a hobby. It gets pretty boring here in the joint, that’s why I started this advice column. It keeps me very busy and alert-- then again so does the fear of violence, rape and drug addiction.
And if its the former, well then you’re just plain insane.
Good Luck!

8ball
8-Ball




dear 8 ball,
The guy i am in love with is is prison for 16 more months, he expects me to be faithful, but thats a long time however i dont want to cheat on him and end up losing him. How can i find away to please my sexual desiers and still be faithful, how do you keep him out of prison if he spent most of his adult life in there? I just want him to come home to me now i cant wait it seems like time is not moving forward> i need your help.
love,
Nikkers


Dear Nikker,
Nikker? Are you the Nikker who’s seeing Freddy The Fist? Oh snap, what a small world. Not to worry, Freddy is very much in love with you. He used to have the cell next to mine. I’d hear him call out your name repeatedly as he stared at your picture, which was lying on the back of a slim fresh-faced young man. By the way, I’m forwarding this letter to the guys in the S.W.A. Department (speech and writing analysis) here in the prison. I’m no expert but I feel that you’re about 2 quarts shy of a full gallon.
Good Luck!
8-Ball




Dear 8 ball:
I RECENTLY FOUND SOMETHING THAT LOOKED LIKE A GRAPE JAWBREAKER BUT A LITTLE SMALLER WRAPPED IN SOME PAPER. I AM DRUG STUPID, BUT WAS TOLD THIS WAS AN 8 BALL. I DON NOT KNOW WHAT AN 8 BALL IS OTHER THAN IT IS SOME TYPE OF DRUG AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. CAN YOU EDUCATE ME.
THANKS

CONCERNED AND IGNORANT

Dear C&I,

Educate you? Sure. An 8-ball is one eight of an ounce of cocaine, approximately 3.5 grams, but the purple part is kinda odd though. My best guess would be that you stumbled across a failed "Keester" which means someone was smuggling an 8-ball of coke in his or her rectum. Now the reason I say, "failed" is because that sucker was put up there WAY too deep. That’s not purple my friend; it’s dried blood.
Good Luck!

8-Ball




spaghetti

dear 8 ball,
what is your favorite kind of cheese? what do you like to eat it with? do they have this kind of cheese at the joint?

Dear queso:

Smoked Gouda.
Ritz®, fruits and various spiced meats.
No, the only cheese we have in here is rim cheese. Did you know that a prisoner turned informer is called a Cheese Eater? Its true.
Good Luck!

8-Ball



Dear 8-Ball:
Valentine’s Day is coming up and I need help! I’ve never really been a big fan of the holiday but my girlfriend has been hinting that she’d like it to be a special day for us. I’m not trying to avoid it; I just don’t want to go through all the candy and flowers crap that comes with it. You always seem to know what to do when the pressure is on. Can you help me come up with a unique way so the “both” of us are happy on February 14th?

--Holiday Hell Helen


Dear Helen,
In order to solve this problem, let’s take a look at where the idea of Valentines Day came from.
Some experts state that this lover’s holiday originated from St. Valentine. He was a Roman priest imprisoned for secretly marrying couples; you see young men could avoid joining the army if they were married. Emperor Claudius II temporarily outlawed matrimony and when he heard of what this renegade priest was doing, he was then imprisoned and eventually sentenced to death. He died on February 14, 269 A.D.
The story continues with St. Valentine leaving a farewell note for the jailer's daughter, a woman who he had fallen in love with, the final note was signed "From Your Valentine".
Now seeing that I’m here in prison, much like St. V, I find it interesting that…wait, you’re a chick dating a chick? Ah shit, I don’t know what to tell ya. Maybe surprise her by dressing up like Carrie-Ann Moss from the Matrix or get tickets to the Ellen show? Hey did you hear that Matrix Co-Director Larry Wachowski is rumored to be a transsexual? Weird, right?
Good luck!
8-Ball



8ball
brassknuckles


Dear 8ball,

I've had a pain syndrome for the past 4 years and have recently been told I will have it for the rest of my life....basically I'll be in constant physical pain for no reason. I've been in therapy, the psyche ward, hospitals, missed tons and tons of school, I get beat up by first graders, how do overcome my physical weaknesses?

Your pain could be the sign of something serious. If it were me, I'd get that shit looked at as often as possible. That way you have a better chance of getting meds and dying high.

Good luck,

8-ball



fist


dear 8 ball,

When ever my freiend comes over, her little sisters tag behind. I cant get them to go away! They bug me soooo much! What should I say to get them away?

~ tagalong problem



Here's a great approach to get kids to leave you alone: Just say, "I think I saw a case of Sour Patch Kids by the divider out on the interstate. It must've fallen off a truck. Maybe you should go check it out, but watch the traffic!

good luck!

--8ball



unicorn

Dear 8ball,

Im really into younger guys. Im in 8th grade and I really like this 5th grader. He is sooooooooooooo hot. Hes like as hot as the sun. I dont know what to do. What would you do in a situation like this?

-Pocahuntas

I would seduce this young man privately, far away from the eyes of your classmates. If you were to be romantically linked with a lower-classman, it could seriously damage your rep with the other 8th grade ho's. Good luck.

--8ball







Dear 8 Ball, what is your favorite animal, and why?

-me



Dear mr me:

I like the lion. He's the king, he respected, he's in Africa.

take care!

8 ball







reach

Dear 8ball,

My brother is really annoying. He always yells, and he is really perverted. What should I do?-- -Cinderella

Dear Cindy:

how serious are you about solving this problem ? if you're really serious, you can accuse him of molesting you and he'll get sent away, at the very least til he's 18. By then you should have moved out of the house.

good luck!

8 ball

Dear 8-Ball,

I consider myself a small-time drug dealer-- some weed, blow, ‘shrooms, etc. For the first time, I came dangerously close to getting arrested. The realization set in that I could do some serious jail time if nabbed by the cops.
8, I’m a small, frail, attractive young man and I’ve seen enough prison movies to know what happens to guys like me in the joint. I don’t want to stop selling because the money is really good. What should I do?

Scared Straight

Dear Scared Straight:

Well, junior, my advice would be try selling drugs on your bicycle, with the seat off…it will only make your time in here a smoother ride.

Good Luck!



8ball

Dear 8-Ball:
Are unicorns real? And if so, how come I haven’t seen one?

Mythological Mary

Dear Mythological Mary,

There was this guy in here a few years ago, Lil’ Lewis, who had what seemed to be a unicorn tattoo on his arm. On his first few days here some of the guys gave him a hard time about it. They said things like "Nice tattoo fag..." and "That shit’s gay…" but it wasn’t until someone said "Cool unicorn tat, man" that things turned ugly. With barbell in hand, Lewis bludgeoned that guy so bad that he now has to drink out of a straw for the rest out his life…from his ass.

Turns out it wasn’t a unicorn tattoo at all, but a tattoo of a horse with an enormous chiseled dildo nailed into its cranium. You see Lil’ Lewis was in fact gay, and proud of it, but had a severe hatred for the horned magical beast.
I don’t know if unicorns are real or not, Mary, but let’s just say that I believe in horses with enormous chiseled dildos nailed into their craniums.
--8-Ball

unicorn

Dear 8-Ball,

I am a 33-year old single male who has never been in the joint. I have always been curious to see if I was ever put in the system-- is there a way to have my favorite cuisine? I am a huge fan of the grilled american cheese sandwich. Please tell me how you and you buddies would go about doing this.... thanks

-Jack "Rolling" Stone



Dear Jack,

When the D Block Dirty Boys and myself get together to catch up on current events, gossip, etc. we like to have some light snacks to keep the mood friendly. So when it’s my turn, I enjoy making hot-pressed sandwiches. All you need is bread, meat and/or cheese, some condiments - and Fat Ass Jim.

I don’t really like Jim that much, as a matter of fact I tried to bash his head with a barbell a couple of years ago over a miscommunication in the showers, but that corpulent fanny of his gets the job done when it comes down to hot-pressed sandwiches. Just put together your favorite lunchmeat combo and slide that baby right between Fat Ass Jim’s best ASSets, the only problem is - they always end up tasting like shit!

Ha-ha, oh man, you must forgive me, the D Block Dirty Boys and I are putting together an open mic night in two weeks and I’m getting my material together.

Good Luck! --8-Ball

fist


Dear Lost and Frowned,

I have a huge crush on 8-Ball. I would really be interested in hooking up with him. This is my second time writing to you. I am African American, 5'1", weigh 307 lbs. with a beautiful smile. Do you think he would be interested?

Let me know

–Big Bertha



Dear Big Bertha,

Wow, I’m flattered at your interest in me. Let’s look at your stats again: you’re 5’1", African American, and 307LBs? Are you kidding me?! I hate to break it to you, Bertha, but there seems to be a small, or should I say large, problem with you and I hooking up.

You see I’m really not into African American women, I’m more of a Russian bride kinda guy. There’s just something so special about flipping through a magazine, circling the one you like, placing your order, then just sitting back and waiting for your new life of matrimonial bliss to begin…in about 6 to 8 weeks. (Warning: Russians brides not available for the state of Tennessee, sorry Tennessee).

Good luck!



-8-Ball



Dear 8-Ball,

If I put hair removal cream on a chicken, would it make the feathers come off? —Peter



Dear Peter,

I have absolutely no problem shattering the cranium of another human being if I feel that my life is in danger – male or female. But when it comes to a defenseless animal (i.e. a chicken) 8-Ball cares, and cares BIG-TIME. As the chefs of Cellblock D well know, I am a full-on vegetarian. The idea of pouring that hair-removal cream on a chicken is just fowl play my friend – or should I say fiend.

What’s say when I bust outta here (and I will get out, Warden Cramsfield, oh I will) I stop by your place and jam that hair-removal cream where it’s best needed?…up your ass!

Whoa, what happened? Oh boy, just as I feared, I blacked out again. Wow, did I just write all that? I must apologize, you can only imagine that in a state-run prison, it’s tough to get your daily medication. This black-out thing tends to happen when I think about the unnecessary suffering of animals. I mean, I know chickens aren’t as cute as, let’s say, baby kittens; but they still deserve respect. Respect the chicken…that’s all I’m saying.

Good luck!
–8-Ball





reach

Dear 8-Ball,

I’m the new guy in school and it’s not easy. I’m ok with the day-to-day activities, but things get pretty tough at lunchtime. All of the kids have their own "assigned" seats that were claimed before I got to the school. Every little group has their own area--even the nerds won’t let me sit with them.

Do you know how hard it is to eat Tuesday’s Sloppy Joe’s while sitting on the floor? Not to mention, this doesn’t help my situation with meeting girls. You have to help me on this one, 8-Ball!

—Lonely Lunchmeat Lou



Dear Lonely Lunchmeat Lou,

Wow, that does sound tough! Are you telling me that you don’t even have a chair to sit on while enjoying your meal?

Hey Lou, do you have to worry about getting stabbed in the neck with a chiseled toothbrush while you’re eating lunch? Any worries about getting stomped by a group of nasty Aryans? Ever been multiply raped at lunch, Lou? No chair, huh? Sounds real tough, pal.

Good Luck!

-8-Ball



spaghetti


Dear 8-Ball,

I have seen red and green hot peppers in jars of vinegar. Not only do they taste great but they look really decorative as well. I figure this is fairly easy to do but am not sure how to go about it. Any advice?

—Pepper-loving Pamela



Dear Pepper-loving Pamela,

I’m serving a life sentence in prison and you think I care about you and your "decorative pepper" problem?! This letter really makes my blood boil.

It looks like I’m going to have to take it out on my bitch, Joel, he’s new here. Joel is a super crooked lawyer that was supposed to be sent to a minimum security prison but was sent here by way of a clerical error. He cries a lot, but sometimes I like it like that.

Good Luck!

—8-Ball


brassknuckles

Dear 8-Ball,

I've been following your weekly advice column for some time now and I am more than impressed with your insight and intuition. I'm hoping that you might be able to give me a few pointers.

Recently I've had a real dry spell in the "meeting women" department, but all that changed thanks to the matchmaking powers of the information superhighway. A few weeks ago I got involved with an online dating company and I have been exchanging emails with a couple of nice young females. Things have been going really well, but therein lies the problem. I really like two of the girls and we've gotten to know each other via email. Very quickly into our virtual relationship, they've both given me their phone numbers and offered to take me out for cocktails. I have to admit that I am having a tough time deciding which girl to pursue...and beyond that I'm not even sure if I want to end all the mystery by actually meeting either one of them face to face.

All my friends are imploring me to at least make a decision, and I feel that if I don't take some sort of action soon I will lose both ladies forever. Have you ever been faced with a situation like this? WW8BD?

Yours,

—Double Down



Dear Double Down,

HW8BWD -stop dating on the internet; it's for losers.

Good luck, loser.

-8-Ball

razor



Dear 8 Ball,

I came home from being on tour with my band and found out that my girlfriend of 5 years has been carrying on an affair with a French man. She left her e-mail open and I discovered their love letters--well, I am assuming they are love letters--because they are written in French. What should I do to get back at the two of them?

Signed,

French Fried



Dear French Fried,

You can’t assume that these are "love letters" just because they’re in French. So for you to fly off the handle and plan for revenge is a very obtuse, if not retarded, way to go about things.

Here’s how we solve this:

First, wait for your girlfriend to leave, and then print out these "love letters". Then, find someone who speaks French and have him or her decipher said letters for you. Finally, get on a plane bound for France and when you get there...

Ah, screw it--just start drinking and then decide, just like everyone else does.

Good luck!
—8-Ball


shiv




Dear 8-Ball,

Do you get any of the new Reality TV shows in the pen? If so, I was wondering if you caught Gary Coleman on "Celebrity Blind Dates." Do you think there is any hope for him on the dating scene? How does someone pick themselves up if they are a falling star?

-- Lonely Starlet

Dear Lonely Starlet,

We’re not very current here as far as Reality TV goes. But I’m pretty caught up with that survival one on the island. I don’t know who’s going to win, but I hope it’s that hot piece of ass, Ginger.

Good Luck!
—8-Ball



brassknuckles

Dear 8-Ball Willis,

I have a simple question for you. I was wondering, what do you think a guy really looks for in a girl?

—Curious Carol

Dear Curious Carol,

As the old saying goes "Different strokes for different folks".

Every man has his own personal style when it comes to finding a girl. Some men look for beauty; others value intelligence. Some look for a hybrid of both. But from what I can tell from the guys in here, they look for a smaller lady so that not only is she easy to overpower, but when her body parts are chopped up it makes for a nice neat fit in the trunk of the car.

On the other hand, some guys here seem to like women that are roughly the same size as them, or even slightly larger--because if you’re going to wear a woman’s skin, it better fit, and fit well.

Good Luck!
—8-Ball

razor


Dear 8-Ball Willis,

I’m hosting a party for my fellow co-workers. I’ve only been at the firm for a few months and would really like to make a good impression. I plan on catering the party myself because financially, things are a little tight. How can I make my party "off the hook" without spending a fortune?

—Party Hard Patty



Dear Party Hard Patty:

I have some great advice for you!

We’ve got this guy here in Cell Block D we call "Hank The Shank," and he throws the best parties ever. It’s no secret that Hank’s parties are, as you say, "off the hook," because of his famous Pruno juice. It’s cheap, it’s tasty, and it packs quite a punch. I’m talking about the kind of punch that makes you not even give a damn about getting booty-checked by the hacks. Here’s how The Shank makes it:

Place some fruit juice, fruit, and fruit peelings in a plastic bag with bread and/or sugar (these are all ingredients that can be found in your cafeteria or trashcans). The yeast in the bread along with the sugar helps ferment the fruit mix into a zesty homemade wine in about two weeks. Razor likes to hide the plastic bag down the toilet so that when the pigs have one of their shake-downs, there’s no Pruno for them to find.

Serves 1-3.

Good Luck!
-8-Ball



brassknuckles

Dear 8-Ball,

Last spring, while vacationing in the Hampton (sic), my husband of 5 years had an affair with some Puerto Rican harlot who was a cleaning lady at the resort. I have now learned that there was a child factored from this event and the woman is suing us for child support.

My husband didn’t want children, but I thought he’d change his mind someday. Now I’m 35 with a biological clock ticking at warp speed. I’ve been crying for an entire week. My therapist says that I should move on and forget about it, but I want revenge.

I was wondering, since you look like a pretty virile, strong man, if you might be willing by means of conjugal visit to help me get pregnant? I can just see the look in my unfaithful husband’s eyes when I tell him I’m having 8-Ball’s baby.

Please respond.

—Julie

Dear Julie,

I do feel for you and your tough predicament, but I must be honest with you because I see that mentally you’re coming from a bad place--revenge.

The law states that conjugal visits are only permitted by couples who are legally married, and that’s just not happening. I believe marriage is a sacred and blessed union between two people who are truly in love. Although I do not doubt that you have strong feelings for me, I’m afraid that becoming my "Baby’s Momma" is just out of the question, Julie.

However, I would be grateful if you would send me some nude photos of yourself doing various types of stretching exercises--to help jazz up my less than entertaining living quarters.

Good Luck!
—8-Ball


shiv


Dear 8-Ball,

I was in a 14-month relationship with a wonderful married man I’ll call “Stew.” We were discreet and respectful of his wife. She died three months ago in a boating accident.

A month after that, Stew suggested we date openly, and talked as though we were a couple. Two weeks ago, he canceled our plans at the last minute, saying he had had a “surreal experience” and “what was OK then is not OK now.” He would not be more specific. I begged for an explanation and closure. He refused to be more specific and became defensive. We have not spoken since.

8-Ball, I am still reeling from this because I thought we had a strong friendship and a foundation for something in the future. Can you give me some insight into the emotional dynamics of this situation?

—Miserable Mistress



Dear Miserable Mistress,

I can give you some great insight into your situation: Stew killed his wife, and you’re going down for the fall.

It’s very simple. Most men are evil. I should know.

You seem like the kind of woman that evil men adore: stupid, and great in the sack. Stew hated his wife and needed a patsy—this is you. Do yourself a favor and check your attic or garage. I’m sure you’ll find the bloody oar that was involved in Mrs. Stew’s “boating accident”. Guess whose fingerprints are going to be all over it? That’s right Miserable Mistress—yours.

I only hope that my advice finds you before your local authorities do.

Good Luck!
—8-Ball



brassknuckles


Dear 8-Ball, I’m a male bisexual, and comfortable with my sexuality, but lately it seems that I've had to convince myself to remain attracted to girls. I’m not really enjoying the sex that much.

Am I going to become gay? I’m not afraid to be fully homosexual and come out of the closet, but how do I know whether or not I’ve made the transition?

—Unconvinced Vince



Dear Unconvinced Vince,

I feel that my opinion on this matter may be a bit biased, due to the fact that I am currently in prison and have no choice but to venture in what some in the outside world might consider “gay”.

Whether you’re “gay” or not is difficult to tell, but let me give you this little piece of advice, Vince: find yourself a lady that can really operate a strap-on. I’m talkin’ full-on man-style operate, and then, my friend, you will find some sexual peace.

Good Luck!
—8-Ball



razor


Dear 8-Ball: Sixteen years ago I became pregnant. I was too young to become a parent, so my family sent me to a home for unwed mothers where I placed my baby up for adoption upon birth.

Two years ago, my birth daughter located me and I agreed to meet her and her family. Unfortunately, her loving and devoted adoptive parents have recently passed away. The young woman is having trouble with the loss of her parents and has now decided that I should take on the role of mother to her.

8-Ball, this person is a stranger to me. I do not have a mother/daughter bond with her, and quite honestly, I have no desire to create one. I wish I had never agreed to meet her or to let her know my identity. Why can't she just accept that I will never be a mother to her and leave me alone? –Mommy Not

Dear Mommy Not: This is indeed a tough situation, but I can help.

First, embrace this young girl, and re-create that lost bond. Then make plans to let her into your life. Tell her about all the years the two of you need to catch up on, and then in the middle of the night–move. Get out quick and get out fast.

Who the hell wants to deal with some mentally unstable 16-year-old girl? — they're crazy at that age anyway. If she truly is your biological daughter, then she's probably really stupid. So fooling her should be as easy as it was for you to pregnant.

Good Luck!
-8-Ball



shiv



Dear 8-Ball: My best friend and I just started seventh grade and we're in the same homeroom. She is already the teacher's pet and gets all the attention. I get good grades and try to answer questions but our teacher usually calls on Darla and not me. I'm tired of her always being the "star" of the class. What can I do? –Samantha, age 12


Dear Samantha: You really shouldn’t worry about your friend; you should be concentrating on yourself and your studies. Your friend Darla seems to have a need for attention, which can be very irritating for others.

This reminds me of a former inmate named Big Lou. Big Lou had a big mouth and always needed attention. One day Lou was in the yard and started telling everyone that a certain someone was a "punk-ass." Well that certain someone did not like any of this. So he made sure some crushed prison-issue soap got mixed into Lou's lunch. This caused Lou some annoying little pains and many bowel movements. So when Lou ran to the bathroom in distress, that certain someone was waiting there for him. That certain someone then proceeded to jam his makeshift plexiglass knife into Lou’s sternum. Once it was securely in, he broke off the handle so Lou couldn’t pull out the shiv from his blood-filling lungs. As that certain someone watched the life drain from Big Lou’s eyes, he then said "Now who’s the punk-ass, bitch?"

So you see, Samantha, I wouldn’t worry too much.

Good Luck!
-8-Ball




cakefile

CLICK ON THE CAKE TO ASK 8-BALL


Prison Art by inmates:

# 5440102 - Dylan "Hammertime" Sheridan

# 5440043 - Joe "Destro" Guillette

Return to main