October 13, 2003

Hello again, friends!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend—I certainly did. I feel like I’m finally starting to get over my heartbreaking failed romance with Susan. My therapy sessions with Dr. Amy were helpful, and spending the last two weeks immersing myself in my work certainly helped to keep my mind occupied. But what really got me through this difficult emotional time was the New Springtime Lavender freshening cartridge I installed in my Glade Plug-In.

Right now, I’m just relaxing in my living room/den/bedroom/rumpus room and noticing a curious white light that is zig-zagging across the night sky. It could be described as a non terrestrial, 5th dimensional orb with the ability to make right angle turns at 3.5 x 10(9) meters per second. It must be some sort of swamp gas, or perhaps a gaggle of migrating geese. This explainable, yet completely impossible phenomenon seems to be headed right towards my fire escape. But enough about that silliness. What I really want to discuss tonight is the appalling lack of "real" fruit filling in the Sara Le
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bright light so bright
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……………. ……………. ……………..pain
^^^^^^^^^:::::::>>>>>>>>>>>eyes hurt<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
kerfpfduafadiufoiefyhvsdbcklas………………….****** pta frestoone need help help ARmy
will Smith><><><><><><><><><><>___________________

……………
__________please NO

probe in spinal cooooooooooo

……………….
fone home skittles ….. grey……..roswell and/or albequerque ………. locus 14.2354(((((((

…fuckerfuckinsuperiorintelligmotherfuck::::::::::::::::::ouch
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-0-0-0-0-0-0-0trajectory 14/6##

cantWeAllGetAlong^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^””””^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^…….^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^,,,,^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

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Wish you were here,

Pat Freestone



BR>
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h_______E_______L________p,

Pat Freestone


November 3, 2003

Earth. My old stomping ground!

Earth! How I have missed you! Your blue skies! Your green plants! Your black people! How proud I am to call myself an Earthling!

Although I am somewhat malnourished from lack of solid food, bothered by several nearly-invisible incisions along my spinal cord and testicles, and, according to Einstein, carrying around about 287 extra earth-years because of travelling backwards through a black hole...I am feeling great! As you can imagine, I’m quite exhausted and glad to be back here on my home planet, and eagerly looking forward to sharing with you all the secrets of the universe, which I have painstakingly committed to memory during my 287 years as a captive specimen aboard the spacecraft Qkkztzzkqvxq (spelling?). But more than anything else, I’m dying to get my hands on a bag of motherfucking Funyuns.

Believe it or not, they don’t have Funyuns anywhere else in the known universe!

There’s no place like home,

Pat Freestone



November 4, 2003

It was a night like any other in Yonkers. The leaves had begun to turn, a light breeze was blowing in from the northeast, and the evening air was crisp and quiet, broken only by the occasional sounds of young children stabbing each other. That’s when the spacemen got me.

If memory serves—after all, it has been more than 287 earth-years since this night of which I speak—I was in the midst of a discussion on the relatively meager portions of real fruit filling available within Sara Lee’s Homestyle Fruit Pastries, when a bright light descended from the sky and forced me aboard an alien interstellar vessel via molecular telemorphic transducence—or as a Trekkie might say, "beamed me up."

From there began my journey across space and time as a guest of the Qzzv—an extremely advanced alien race from a few galaxies to our left. During the next 81 earth-years I would remain isolated in the quarantine chamber of the spacecraft Qkkztzzkqvxq, encased in a liquid hover-pod and learning the ways of the Qzzy through a series of painful and embarrassing daily colonoscopies and testicular milkings. Gradually, as the Qzzv humanologists concluded that I was not an immediate threat to them, they began to educate me on the secrets of the universe, including the quantum mechanics of spatial time, the quadruple-helix structure of the axis of reality, and why so many famous comedians are from Canada. Eventually, they let me out of my confinement, where I was free to move about the main cabin.

Did you know that the Qzzv have three sexes? They have male, female and freemale. I never did find out exactly what the freemales are for.

Tomorrow: how the Earth will end!

Yours,

Pat Freestone


November 5, 2003

Sometime between their Eighth and Ninth Progression Renaissance periods, the Qzzv found the means and the wearwithal to construct a device that can predict the future. They call it the KKHH4200 Prolapsed Reticulator. It’s basically a pair of carbon alloy salad tongs about three hundred million miles wide that the Qzzv use to grab the edge of the known universe and stretch it out into a long string. They then pass the string under a little green light, similar to the kind a bouncer might use to illuminate the invisible stamp on the back of a nightclub patron’s hand. Then, viola, there’s the future. What? Haley Joel Osment kills himself at 27? Wow, didn’t see that one coming!

One day, I asked the Qzzv what the future holds for the planet Earth. After several minutes of highly advanced belly-laughter, they told me. My blood ran cold.

Apparently, the most likely outcome for Earth (and it’s just one "possible" outcome—I don’t know tech stuff) is that the entire human race will be destroyed by an airborne sound virus created by Island Records in the spring of 2029.

According to the data transcribed from the KKHH4200 Prolapsed Reticulator, record executives at Island Records, working closely with audio scientists at their parent company ViacomTimeWarnerExxonColgate, will have developed a special high-pitched frequency that, when added to the instrumental track of a pop song, will create an addictive property to the recording that makes it absolutely irresistible to any nearby listener. Island Records debuts the new subliminal marketing tool on a track entitled "Ooo Fuckin’ Woo," by nine-year-old rising pop star, Lady SexCock. Released on February 20, 2029, the recording goes ultra-platinum in eleven seconds, and by morning, is licensed for use in over 30,000 satellite and holographic cable advertisements. Unfortunately, the unseen consequence of the high-pitched background track is that after approximately three months, anyone who has heard it becomes an insane flesh-eating zombie, and eventually dies of an inevitable brain explosion. Within a few months, humankind is wiped out, and the world’s untended nuclear super-reactors overheat and slowly melt the planet down to a tiny iron rock about the size of a volleyball.

Oh well.

See you soon,

Pat Freestone


November 6, 2003

As a highly advanced race, the Qzzv pride themselves on their understanding of all eighteen dimensions of the universe. They were very surprised to find that our civilization has attempted to create mathematical order out of complex concepts like time, space and gravity. I explained to them, as best I could, Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and the more recent String Theory. They just sort of stared at me, and telepathically suggested that we, as Earthlings, master the more basic concepts like Not Killing Each Other and Not Using the Ocean as a Fucking Toilet before we get to the complicated stuff like How Heavy the Sun Is.

In any case, the Qzzv took pity on me, and explained to me in very simple terms their mathematical formula that solves and explains everything. It is basically this:

a = b



What it comes down to, when you factor it down from the thousands and thousands of pages of calculations from which it is derived, is what we would call:

Same shit, different day.



There you go.

Pat Freestone


November 7, 2003

The Qzzv have no sense of humor. Apparently, it is not a characteristic of such an advanced species. While we humans delight to all sorts of comedy, from the lovable antics of Homer Simpson to the lovable antics of Mr. Bean, the Qzzv prefer to pursue more intellectual pursuits.

Which is not to say that the Qzzv don’t like to laugh. On the contrary, they spend large portions of their lives bent over in hysterics. The strange thing is, what makes them laugh is the very thing that makes us human beings sad and upset—tragic death. For example, here is a typical Qzzv joke:

An elderly nun walks into a bar. The bartender shoots her in the face.

Now granted, this scene could be funny with the right casting. But to the Qzzv it’s just funny, period.

Go figure.

Have a good one,

Pat Freestone


November 10, 2003

What about love?

Sure, the Qzzv are a highly advanced civilization who can travel through time, predict the future and exist without war, disease or television, but can they look into each other's fourteen-inch-diameter eyes and feel anything real?

What about love, I say?

The answer is complicated. Let me just put it to you this way: if everyone on earth looked exactly like you, was exactly as smart as you, had the exact same level of self-esteem as you, and--like you--had no need for money, conversation, or companionship, and you had unlimited private access to a small levitating orb that gave you an eleven-minute orgasm whenever you looked directly at it, would you be out there dating?

I didn’t think so.

However, the Qzzv do have this particular emotion called "VVlk," which makes them want to cover each other with spit and wrestle around in the dark, but like I said, it’s complicated.

Whatever,

Pat Freestone


November 11, 2003

Fun Facts About The QZZV!


*The Qzzv complexion changes color depending on temperature—just like a mood ring!

*The Qzzv have been visiting earth since the mid-80’s! Not the mid-1980’s--the mid-80’s!

*An adult Qzzv weighs about 70 pounds on earth and almost 100 pounds at home!

*The Qzzv come from a planet that cannot be spelled!

*Qzzv blood is tri-colored, like Aquafresh!

*The Qzzv power their spacecraft with positive thinking and sometimes, big teflon springs!

*The Qzzv enjoy a sport called "VvxklV" which looks like a cross between chess and elk hunting!

*Qzzv children are afraid of snow!

*Only about 1 in 700,000 Qzzv are born retarded!

*The most famous earthling ever abducted by the Qzzv was Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s!

*All Qzzv have four elbows, except for the ones who have been in a terrible accident!

*No Qzzv has ever set foot on the moon. Why would they want to!

*Qzzv carpeting grows like grass and smells great!

*A single Qzzv DVD can hold the entire Library of Congress plus Magnolia!

*Qzzv float!

Coming soon...my artistic renderings of the Qzzv!

Your friend,

Pat Freestone


November 12, 2003

Great Moments in QZZV History


998.1`5 ~ Qzzv pioneers leave doomed planet Fgekk3 and settle on 4th moon of Fwentizzzimar.

1113.8`3 ~ Planet Fgekk3 implodes, killing royal family and forever freeing Qzzv from totalitarian monarchy.

1124.7`7 ~ Slavery is abolished in carbohydrate mines, introduced in protein farms.

1195.7`8 ~ Massive Smartness Accelerating Chamber (MSAC) is unveiled.

1202.0`7 ~ Qzzv defeat Marauding Rock Nomads of Algjebroon in Second Six Second War.

1333.4`4 ~ Qzzv test pilots break speed of light.

1490.2`1 ~ Last infectious disease is wiped out.

1515.4`6 ~ Qzzv achieve global peace.

200022.9`9 ~ Qzzv abduct me.

Now we’re pretty much up to date.

Pat Freestone


November 13, 2003

I had planned to use today’s portion of Today Inside Pat Freestone Updated Almost Daily to display my artistic renderings of the Qzzv, but I seem to be having a bit of trouble recognizing spatial relationships and conveying them in a two-dimensional format. I think it has something to do with some sort of interstellar jet lag. Or perhaps my lack of drawing ability has to do with the way the crayon melts in my hand as soon as I pick it up. In any case, I’m afraid the pictures will have to wait.

There are a few other strange lingering after-effects that I seem to be suffering from. Nothing major. Just little things, like suddenly losing all my fingernails and toenails. Or the way my bellybutton has been mysteriously sealed with some sort of translucent epoxy. Or the fact that I no longer have tear ducts.

And then there’s the headaches, bodyaches, nausea, dizziness, ringing in the ears, tingling in the extremities, weightlessness, irritability, loss of appetite, nervousness, bleeding gums, insomnia, slurred speech, blurred vision, fever, rash, congestion, constipation, vomiting, partial paralysis, muscle cramps, watery eyes, insatiable craving for Funyuns, sensitivity to light, swelling, weight loss, depression, delusion, sore throat, dry mouth, hearing loss, clammy skin, chills, sneezing, blistering of the feet, pain in the joints, hair loss, drowsiness, lethargy, apoplexy, paranoia, thoughts of suicide, decreased metabolism, difficulty urinating, inability to concentrate, jaundice, fear of puppets, hacking cough, convulsions, chaffing, shivering, back pain, arthritis, nightmares, uncontrollable laughter, diarrhea, loss of interest in sex and general malaise.

I forgot sudden and severe spazzing.

Other than that, I feel pretty good.

Pat Freestone


November 14, 2003

True story:

Sometime after I was originally abducted by the Qzzv and the initial raw terror began to subside, I remembered that I had left my oven on back on Earth. I had just baked up a batch of Sara Lee Homestyle Fruit Pastries, and in my annoyance at the meager amount of fruit filling in said pastries, had completely forgotten to turn off the gas on my Hotpoint Chefmaster II Oven. Well, you can imagine my concern. As any fireman can tell you, right after insurance fraud and crack smoking, accidentally leaving a cooking appliance on is one of the major causes of home fires. So there I was, naked and suspended upside-down in a levitating vat of alien goo while hideous extra-terrestrials prodded me with futuristic surgical implements, absolutely worried sick.

I remember repeating over and over again, "the oven! I must get home so I can turn off the oven," but the Qzzv paid me no mind. Then finally, I shouted at them, "listen you little bobble-headed bastards—you take me back home right this goddamned instant, or old Pat Freestone is going to open up a can of kicks and punches!" I was bluffing, of course, but it was my only recourse. Then, perhaps finally understanding my dilemma, one of them reached out in front of me with his bony little hand, waved this little flashlight in the air and poof! A little portal to my kitchen opened up right there in the air in front of my face! I reached out, through what seemed like a hovering pool of warm water, and magically turned off my stove from right there where I was! Amazing.

But then, perhaps thinking a bit hastily, I tried to grab a large knife from the cutting board, and my Qzzv captors did not like that. Oh no, they did not like that at all.

Bad idea.

Have a super weekend, kids!

Pat Freestone


November 17, 2003

I spent the weekend cooped up in my apartment with a touch of the melancholy. It’s been two weeks since my alien abductors returned me to Earth, and I must admit that I actually miss the little damp bastards.

I guess part of it was the thrill of being surrounded by beings of such advanced intelligence. Back here in Yonkers, folks don’t spend much time tinkering around with quantum mechanics and interstellar exploration. Most are content to strive for the simpler breakthroughs, like learning to breathe through the nose. Whenever a customer rents a copy of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, or Fire in the Sky, or even My Stepmother is an Alien, I’m tempted to take them aside and tell them of my experiences with the Qzzv, but I don’t. Instead, I just smile and say, "these are due back by midnight tomorrow, and by the way, ridiculously inaccurate."

Idiots!

Regards,

Pat Freestone


November 18, 2003

In honor of my dear friends the Qzzv, and as an intergalactic goodwill gesture towards all extraterrestrials, I hereby welcome you to

Pat Freestone’s Top 5 Fictional Aliens of All Time



At number 5, it’s the adorable little guy from the movie Alien!



Awww! Someone give him some Reese’s Pieces, ‘cause he looks hungry!

Tomorrow, real alien terror!

Pat Freestone


November 19, 2003

Welcome back to my salute to out-of-this-world entertainment, otherwise known as

Pat Freestone’s Top 5 Fictional Aliens of All Time



As promised, my pick for #4 captures the very essence of extraterrestrial terror. They’re small. They’re greenish-gray. They travel in a clearly-labeled unidentified flying object. Run for your lives! Here come the monsters from Kaplutis!!



As guest stars on season 5 of the classic television family drama The Brady Bunch, these tiny male and female space travelers added a new dimension of fear to an already scary premise. Although they were merely by-products dreamed up by Bobby Brady’s extremely conflicted subconscious (in addition to occasional "skyrocket’ hallucinations, Bobby had also dreamed of being a famous billiard champion, playing professional football in his backyard with Joe Namath, and witnessing the murder of his entire family by outlaw Jessie James), these so-called Kaplutians were just as hideous as anything Steven Speilberg, George Lucas, or David E. Kelley ever imagined. And speaking of hideous, check out how old and weird Mr. Michael "Mike" Brady looks in this cast photo! I know it’s season 5, but damn!

Next...more fictional visitors from fictional outer space!

Pat Freestone


November 20, 2003

We’re about to have a close encounter with the third greatest fictional alien of all time here at

Pat Freestone’s Top 5 Fictional Aliens of All Time


At #3, it’s "Mac" from Earth Girls Are Easy!



Critics and film historians have long debated whether Earth Girls Are Easy is an allegorical model of class struggle in modern America or a thematic metaphor for humankind’s search for God in a vast universe. Now, on one hand, we have "Mac," who clearly represents what Nietzsche referred to as the Dionysian spirit, and in contrast, "Val," who can be seen as the archetype of matriarchy and/or the object of a transubstantiation between the waking mind and the subconscious id (see photo). In either case, the underlying meaning, or "thing-in-itself" as Kant called it, does better to serve as a discourse between man and the unknown, and undoubtedly makes the case for the futility in attempting to define either. Albeit not vis-à-vis the structure of contemporary morays.

That, and I like the part where Damon Wayans says, in Julie Brown’s voice, "oh my God, you’re like, totally black!"

Tomorrow....#2!

Pat Freestone


November 21, 2003

And now, it’s time for more of

Pat Freestone’s Top 5 Fictional Aliens of All Time


At #2 on the countdown is the hideous and horrifying alien from the 1950’s sci-fi masterpiece Invasion of the Saucer Men (pictured on right). If you’ve never seen this film, I weep for you and your lack of proper upbringing.



In the 1950’s, America was both terrified and fascinated by a strange and unusual phenomenon. At first, it was thought to be some sort of military secret--the kind of thing the brass didn’t like to talk about, but the enlisted men often witnessed first-hand. It would soon become a regular part of the American consciousness, from pop culture to politics and even religion. Although evidence suggested that some advanced, other-worldly civilization had been here with us since the dawn of human history, it was Hollywood that really opened up the floodgates and put these odd, often lovable creatures on the map. I’m talking, of course, about homosexuals.

Have a good one!

Pat Freestone


November 24, 2003

We have reached the final frontier here at

Pat Freestone’s Top 5 Fictional Aliens of All Time


When you’re looking for a real down-and-dirty bad guy alien, one whose blood runs cold and temper runs hot, you needn’t look much further than this particular corner of the galaxy. I’m talking about Evil. I’m talking about Wrath. I’m talking about Khan.





Skillfully and convincingly played by the legendary thespian Ricardo Montalban, Khan’s hideous alien appearance is matched only by his sinister—

What’s that?

Oh, you beg to differ? You laugh and insist that I stand corrected? You attest that Khan is not an alien, but actually a genetically-enhanced Earthling who was marooned in space and has sworn vengeance on former friend, Admiral James T. Kirk? You are quick to draw a distinction between the human known as Khan Noonien Singh, and any of the other actual alien life forms—like, for example, Klingon--encountered by Kirk and his crew? And furthermore, you seem desperate to quiz me with trivia like "what is the difference between Seti Alpha V and Seti Alpha VI?" or "how many doomed souls were originally aboard the "SS Botany Bay?"

Look at you! Thirty-seven years old and forty pounds overweight! Look at you! Still a virgin, living in your mother’s house, trying to teach Pat Freestone a thing or two! Well, then. I guess you’re right, sonny-boy. Khan technically was not an alien, therefore, according to you, he does not belong on

Pat Freestone’s Top 5 Fictional Aliens of All Time


Fine. Here is my new number 1. Just for you, Spock-ears. Hurrah. You have triumphed again. Now go make love to one of your tube socks, you earthbound lump of dough.





Live long and prosper,

Pat Freestone