Pat Freestone

Pat's Top Five




September 30, 2002

Welcome, fellow film fans and web whizzes!

It's time once again here at Big Screen Video for our annual

Big Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History.

As you may or may not know, this week-long, in-store event recognizes the top five most important fictional characters ever to appear on screen. It includes a wide variety of performances from a wide diversity of genres, including comedy, drama, science-fiction, and romance. As curator of this unique collection, I am proud to share my selections with you over the world wide web.

Here then is my pick for the NUMBER 5 All-Time Greatest Character in Motion Picture History...

...the debonair Stephen Root as "Milton Waddams" from the off-the-wall comedy Office Space!

 milton milton

As an undervalued and disregarded corporate cog, Steven Root's Milton character brings some much-needed dignity to the modern working man. So go ahead and grab your Swingline® stapler, a Margarita with no salt, and sit back and watch him light up the screen, mmm-k?

Please check here all week as I count down more of

Big Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History!

Sincerely,



Pat Freestone

Curator


October 1, 2002

The countdown continues...

At number 4 in Big Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History is a fictional young man who brings hope and insight to a cruel world. He symbolizes intelligence, maturity, and reason. And he gets killed by a rock.

It's PIGGY, from Lord of the Flies .

piggy

"We did everything just the way grownups would've. Why didn't it work?"

Tell me about it!

In honor of this unforgettable character, Big Screen Video is proud to offer $2 off any deserted island movie rental.. Choose from titles like Castaway, Blue Lagoon, Hell in the Pacific...the list goes on! (NOTE: island offer does not include movies set in Manhattan or Martha's Vineyard. Offer expires 10/6/02. See store for details.)

Your host and curator,

Pat Freestone


October 2, 2002

Welcome to day three of Big Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History. Here's a quick recap of my picks thus far:

#5 "Milton Waddams" from Office Space
#4 "Piggy" from Lord of the Flies

And now, it's on to number 3. Although this ground-breaking character is technically from a television show, the show itself was actually shot on film, and is currently available for rental in most video rental outlets under the title The Twilight Zone 40th Anniversary Gift Pack. Close enough, if you ask me. Here is Burgess Meredith as "Henry Bemis" in The Twilight Zone season 1: episode eight, "Time Enough at Last."

burgess1 burgess2

As a myopic bank teller who survives a nuclear holocaust, "Henry" must defend the earth against giant stacks of library books. Okay--so I didn't see this one, but the cassette carton told me everything I need to know. Henry Bemis is one tough customer! And here are some interesting facts about the actor, Burgess Meredith:

• Burgess Meredith, married four times, once sold vacuum cleaners in New York!

• Burgess Meredith and his brother George once operated a haberdashery in Cleveland Heights!

• Burgess Meredith can be seen in the hilarious comedies Grumpy Old Men and Grumpier Old Men!

Check back tomorrow for number 2!

Pat Freestone

Curator


October 3, 2002

Can you feel the excitement?

We've almost arrived at the number one greatest character in motion picture history, as I--Pat Freestone, curator and night manager of Big Screen Video--count you through

Big Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History.

Sadly, I was able to procure only one photo of this remarkable character from one of the country's--and world's--best-loved films. He was among the first of the Caucasian-American male comedians to truly demonstrate how hilarious the Japanese are. Here, at number two, is Mickey Rooney as the irascible "Mr. Yunioshi" from the 1961 classic Breakfast at Tiffany's.

rooney

(Curator's Note: Mickey Rooney is not to be confused with Andy Rooney, that cantankerous old nelly from 60 Minutes who drones on every week about how toothbrushes are too high-tech nowadays, or how Starbuck's took over his favorite muffin stand last month. Here's a tip from Pat Freestone, you old coot: I'm sure there was a time, not so long ago, when some even OLDER coot saw your pink jowls on television and thought YOU were the sign that the world was ending. So just move over already and make room for today's young, pie-fucking human pin-cushions, you tired old jackass.)

Tomorrow...N U M B E R 1.

See you then,

Pat Freestone


October 4, 2002

On behalf of everyone here at Big Screen Video, I hope you've enjoyed this special internet companion to

Big Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History.

As curator, I've spent an agonizing week trying to winnow the tens of thousands of amazing characters in the world of motion pictures down to a mere five. And yet, as hard as it was, I feel like I've accomplished this difficult task, and included a little something for everybody.

But before I reveal the number one character of all time, let's quickly review the countdown thus far...

#5 "Milton Waddams" from Office Space
#4 "Piggy" from Lord of the Flies
#3 "Henry Bemis" from The Twilight Zone episode 1.8
#2 "Mr. Yunioshi" from Breakfast at Tiffany's
And now, on to number one.

I could spend all day going on about the monumental importance of this character--not only to motion pictures, but to art, and even to life itself--and how he single-handedly gave the world a new appreciation for genius-level intelligence, or how he fought bravely against the tyranny of the corrupt bourgeoisie, or how he pioneered a whole new style of electric violin rock, or how he brought quiet dignity to chronic allergy sufferers everywhere...

...but the name says it all.

Poindexter.

poindex

poin

point



Good night, Yonkers, my work here is done!

Until next time,

Pat Freestone


October 7, 2002

Well, there’s no accounting for taste.

Although I considered last week’s

Big Screen Video’s Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History

a genuine success, apparently, several customers and web-surfers didn’t agree. For example, a certain Ms. R. D’Angelo of Harrisburg, PA commented, quite brusquely, that my selections were "self-indulgent, grossly inappropriate, and flew in the face of all established film criticism."

Well that’s Pat Freestone, baby: in your face!

However, I am not above heeding the heartfelt advice of my readers and renters, so I shall do just that.

I must admit that sometimes, from my perch here behind the counter at Big Screen Video, it truly seems as if the whole world were one giant cornucopia of filmed entertainment. It’s sometimes quite easy to get lost in the celluloid fantasy world, and forget the infinite realm of other possibilities out there.

So this week, rather than review feature films, or the actors and actresses that star in them, or the directors who create them, I’d like to take a look at something that everyone can relate to—‘do rags.

So check in tomorrow, for the first-ever

Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever.

nelly lady jay patdo

The people have spoken.

Sincerely,

Pat Freestone


October 8, 2002

Welcome to the premiere of

Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever.

We’ve all been there: ready to go to work, attend a lecture, or go for a drive on 20-inch rims, and suddenly, it becomes apparent that we cannot sport our favorite ‘do rag because it has a hole in it.

Luckily, there’s the Spandex Dragon, at number FIVE on this week’s countdown. Available in a variety of colors, including white, this ‘do rag—or technically, stocking cap—WILL fit all head sizes and yes, it WILL last a long time.



Check in tomorrow for more of

Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever.

Regards,

Pat Freestone


October 9, 2002

By popular demand, we’re continuing to count you down through

Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever.

At number FOUR on the countdown is a ‘do rag that offers durability, style and a breathable sport fabric. It is also remarkably easy to clean, which I learned from personal experience, after my head was repeatedly pelted with eggs by some neighborhood toughs during my field test of this particular product.



So don’t hit the court without your Du Rag Sport y’all!

Holla back,

Pat Freestone


October 10, 2002

The ‘do-rags get more "fly" as we work our way towards number one, here in

Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever.

At number three, you’ll find all the characteristics of a good ‘do-rag: ample color selection, durability, wear-ability, and light, breathable fabric. In this case, the fabric is satin. Now that’s a solid rag.

letsjam


For schnitzel, my nipples

Pat Freestone


October 11, 2002

Dear friends,

I have decided to suspend the countdown of

Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever

until further notice, because of repeated death threats against me. Below is the first of such correspondences, which arrived late Tuesday night in the Late Night Return Receptacle, along with a rather large, dead and decapitated rodent. Since then, I have received no fewer than eleven threats from the same angered party. I shall not print the others, as they are filled with obscenities and graphic depictions of what could be done to my body if I refuse to comply with this maniacal cease and desist order.

I think that as you peruse this, you’ll come to agree that I am making the wise choice.

hate

Regretfully,

Pat Freestone




May 5, 2003

Since I'm now officially back at work after my four-month paid leave that my boss is somehow unaware of, I figure it's fitting to salute

Pat Freestone's Top 5 Films About Work



5. Working Girl

4. Late Shift

3. 9 To 5

2. Office Space

1. Hannibal

TGIM,

Pat Freestone



May 6, 2003

I've been busy all day re-organizing the drama section after 4 months of Ruth's rather inept attempts at alphabetization. Let's just put it this way, Erin Brokovich might go under 'B' in the phone book, but in a video store, she clearly belongs between Eraj'nis Zonez III and Ernest Goes to Camp.

Pat Freestone's Top 5 Difficult to Comprehend Film Conclusions



5. Mystery Train

4. Mulholland Drive

3. Donnie Darko

2. Un Chein Andalou

1. When Harry Met Sally

All My Best,

Pat Freestone


May 7, 2003

Some time ago, I compiled a comprehensive, cross-referenced list of all the main and supporting characters from Big Screen Video's entire stock of Hollywood movies. I created separate tracking attributes for gender, nationality, age, appearance, goals, profession, and whether or not the character tends to get naked. I then plugged the data into Big Screen'�s Dell Inspiron 8200 computer in hopes of finding new character profiles that have not yet been dreamed up by the Screenwriter's Guild. The results were interesting.

Pat Freestone's Top 5 Characters You Rarely See in Movies

5. Chinese Werewolf

4. Nazi With a Heart of Gold

3. Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtle

2. Stoner-Dude Klansman

1. Bitter, Vengeful Retard

Statistically speaking,

Pat Freestone



May 8, 2003

If you're like me, you love a good laugh--except when the laughter is directed at you as you're falling down a flight of stairs at Outback Steakhouse.

Pat Freestone's Top 5 Comedy Devices That Never Fail



5. Rubber Chicken

4. Rubber Ass

3. Rubber Vomit

2. Rubber Nose

1. Jalapeno Condom

See you tomorrow,

Pat Freestone



May 9, 2003

Well, this week sure flew by.

Being back on the job here at Big Screen Video has not only restored my sense of purpose and allowed me to give something back to the community, but it has also provided me ample time to practice sleeping while standing. And while I'm on the subject of sleeping:

Pat Freestone's Top 5 Most Boring Movies of All Time

5. The Hand-Model's Tale

4. 39 Candles

3. Being John Madden

2. The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Mr. and Mrs. Jim Cawog of Patterson, New Jersey

1. My Big Fat Greek Cousin



Pat Freestone