As I laid there in my hospital bed early Sunday morning, it suddenly began to dawn on me just how close I had come to death. Perhaps it was divine intervention, I thought, that prevented all twenty-three stab wounds from piercing any major organs or arteries and gave my skull the strength to withstand the ninety-some-odd kicks, stomps, and cinder-block blows. For one brief moment of clarity, I was able to float outside of my body and observe from my cloudless vista not only where I had been, but where I was going. From there--that state of detached, calm serenity--I saw myself, and for the first time in my life, the truth about why I had been put here. That’s when it hit me:
I totally forgot to rock!
May 11, 2004
The path is clear. It is time for Pat Freestone to become a Rock & Roll Star.
Those among you of a more skeptical nature might contend that to become a Rock & Roll Star, one must have a few things that I don’t necessarily possess--namely, youthful energy, musical talent and hair. But to you I say, “pah!”
For there is one thing, and one thing only required of an aspiring Rock & Roll Star, and Pat Freestone has it in spades: an endless, insatiable craving for attention. And, of course, the ability to stand while heavily sedated.
One! Two! A one, two, three, four! Who’s with me?
May 12, 2004
Step 1: Naming My Band
It might seem a bit premature to name my Rock & Roll group before I have actually formed my Rock & Roll group, but not when one considers how important a catchy name can be for a musical career. Just take the Rolling Stones, for example. Would they be as famous if they went with the name The English Fags? I don’t think so. Not that they ever considered calling themselves The English Fags, mind you--I’m just saying. By the way, did you know that in England, “fags” are actually called “poofs”? That is hilarious!
Or how about The Bean Wagons, or Unremarkable Casual Acquaintances, or Agnes Ladybeard and the Salty Beavers? Have you ever heard of them? My point exactly.
So why don’t we brainstorm some names, and see if anything sounds like the next most famous best selling Rock & Roll band of all time?
The Pop Tards? Command Alt Shift? The Ear Rationals? Jefferson Wheelchair? The Clangs? Billy Club Joel? The Thigh Masters? Calling Dr. Zizmor? Pat Zeppelin?
I’m going to keep at this. Any suggestions you may have would be appreciated, and of course, would immediately become my intellectual property.
May 13, 2004
Dear cherished web visitors,
Thank you for all your wonderful band name suggestions. While I encourage you to continue to send in your creative submissions, I humbly ask that you not send in names that are already taken. It seems many of you, perhaps in your excitement, were quick to put forward names that already belong to someone else, or are in some way too similar to existing trademark names.
For example, Donald B, I cannot use the name Blondy, even though it is spelled differently that Blondie, the well-known punk/disco group. Nor can I use Blonde-E, Blahndee, or Blon Dee. But thank you for all of these nonetheless.
And Lilith G, I liked your suggestion, but I’m afraid there’s already someone in the music industry that goes by the name of Merle Haggard.
Similarly, these names are unfortunately unacceptable:
Zima The New York Times Style Section Google The Houston Rockets Katie Couric Denny’s E! The Miller Genuine Draft Band The Doritos Renuzit Senator Hillary Clinton Food Fighters Land O’ Lakes Dilbert and Snoopy NASCAR New Balance A-CDC
But by all means, keep trying!
May 14, 2004
I haven’t seen the old Pat Freestone in-box this jammed since the time I posted Freestone’s Primo Shroom Giveaway.
Thanks for all the band name suggestions. NOW STOP IT!
Urban Turban…Lactatoe…Los Camino Reales…Pickelpuss…The Deep Lakes…Haardvark…Doctor Graffenberg…Background Action…The Jews…Exit Stage Left…Point & Scream…Sluttier Than Kate…Even Sluttier Than Kate…Lengthy Unit…BedHead…Pina Colada and Her Straws…Jughead…Boy Are My Arms Tired…The Freakshow Rejects…Adam and Eve…Perpetually Fussy…The Hot Pixel…Pat and the Hot Pixels…Casual Leprosy…Cause and E-Sex…Bald-Pated Screamer…Free Stoners…Bug Protector…The Dirty Muppets…Eat Wood…Stone Man and the Patsies…Stone Man with Pasties…Project F…The Refried Beans…The Spare Tires…Jubilint…Ton O' Gas…Jesus And the Born Again Christians…Superchaffe…The Scientific Creationists…The Comb-Overs…The 40-Something Assistant Managers…The Non-not Hobbyists…The Astigmatisminers…The Pat-Holes…4 Dudes Totally Not Responsible For Nine Eleven…Billy Leather and the Bed Wetters…Navy Gays…Cracky Crack Pipe And The Feinin' Zombies…The Dave Freestone Band…Masticating Masochist…The Dull Light Bulbs…IQ 121…Stabbed in the Back…Gilliganagain…Vanilla Iced…Crow Shit On A Stump and The Sun Hatched Me…Creative Disaster Area…The Barnacles…The Ghost Limbs…Parasite…Mind-Numbing Noise…Rotting Fruit…Tool…Subservient Adjudicators…Not The Cretins…Uncommon Vernacular…Stagnant Industry…The Kindergarten Sex-Toys…The Spayed Monkeys…Dead At 31…The Ludes…Fuck You, I'm From Pluto…The Sanitation Workers…Endoplasmic Reticulum…The Dancin’ Bears…N(&1/2)IN…Cerebral Hemorrhage…Hermitic Tendencies…The D-Claws…The Unused Penises…Destructive Mudslide…The Drugs Fault…Licentious Man…You Hot, Me Horny…Full DisClothesHer…Beaten Into Submission…Not W…
…and my favorite so far:
The Pat Freestone Band.
May 17, 2004
Let there be rock.
Now that I have made the decision to become a Rock & Roll Star, there are a few things I need to iron out…
Like my leather trousers!
But seriously…being a musician is not something you just fall into, like acting or print advertising. It takes years of dedication, training, and a certain degree of inherent ability. Some have it. Some don’t. Which is why it is indeed so rare to find one individual who possesses that perfect combination of intrinsic talent, creative vision, and raw determination. I’m talking, of course, about Alanis Morisette.
Man, I kill me!
Seriously, though. I am going to rock.
May 18, 2004
Lyrics--the backbone of a good Rock & Roll song. Actually, drums are the backbone, but the lyrics are definitely at least two or three of the vertebrae.
NINE GREAT ROCK & ROLL LYRICAL TOPICS
9. Drinkin’ Whiskey 8. Worshippin’ Satan 7. Livin’ Fast 6. Makin’ Love 5. Breakin’ the Law 4. Gettin’ High 3. Fightin’ in Bars 2. Playin’ in a Rockin’ Band 1. Escapin’ from an Insane Asylum
Test your knowledge of Classic
Rock & Roll lyrics!
1. The lion was standing alone with a:
a. tadpole in a jar
b. tent pole in a jar
c. dude from Peta
2. Iron Man was turned to steel
a. in the Great Magnetic Field
b. on Planet Caravan
c. during the Bronze Age
3. Why should you run to the hills?
a. for a pail of water
b. for your Mom
c. for your life
4. Mrs. Cool had a purple umbrella and a 50 cent what?
a. Daily News
5. It was kinda cold that night. She stood alone where?
a. near the stove
b. on the balcony
c. with her thoughts
6. Which one is technically not a Dirty Deed?
a. concrete shoes
7. According to Jamie, love should mean a little more than what?
a. a hand job
b. a one-night stand
c. remembering the person's name
8. Where was You-Know-Who cuttin' a rug with a girl named Linda Lou?
a. at a place called The Jug
b. at Home Depot
c. in Alabama
9. Which is not another name for the Space Cowboy?
a. The Gangster of Love
c. Ziggy Stardust
10. Where does she keep her Moet et Chandon?
a. in her liver
b. in Paris, naturally
c. in a pretty cabinet
May 20, 2004
Test your knowledge of Modern Rock lyrics!
1. Life’s the same when you’re moving in stereo, except for
a. the pants
b. the shoes
c. the headphones
2. When is Caroline pretty?
a. in the city
b. when she stops talking
c. in pink
3. It wasn’t a rock. What was it?
a. it was a rock shrimp
b. it was a rock lobster
c. it was a crack rock
4. It’s Saturday at 10:15 PM. The tap drips under the street light. Where are you?
a. in the alley behind Starbucks
b. in a Salvador Dali painting
c. in the kitchen sink
5. When should one whip it?
a. when something’s going wrong
b. before the cream sits out too long
c. a and b
6. Darling, you’ve got to let me know. Should I stay, or
a. would you prefer that I made myself scarce?
b. has my presence become obtrusive?
c. should I go?
7. Which is not true about walking on the moon?
a. giant steps are what you take
b. your feet don’t hardly make no sound
c. it is well-signed
8. Where is our house?
a. in the middle of our street
b. somewhere up in that tornado funnel
c. in escrow at Citibank
9. How can we sleep while our...
a. beds are burning?
b. beds are turning?
c. neighbor is listening to Ja Rule really loud?
10. Here in my car, I feel what?
a. my kid’s babysitter’s thigh
b. the early stages of self-inflicted carbon monoxide poisoning
c. safest of all
May 24, 2004
Clearly, I am on the Road to Rock. But what exactly is my Role?
Will I be the lithe, writhing front man, screaming out streams of consciousness and whipping my audience into a heated sexual frenzy? Probably not with these love handles.
Will I sit shirtless and sweaty behind a massive cage of drums and cymbals, pounding out the beat and driving the crowd into a hypnotic rage? I don't really think so. I have extraordinarily weak arms.
Will I thump the electric bass, like some diabolical alchemist, producing tones and vibrations that drop below the range of human hearing and down into the solar plexus of pure gut feeling? No.
I shall wield the axe. The six-stringed razor. The electric guitar that will gently weep, lie bleeding in my arms, and eventually decide that it
wants to kill your Mama. It will. It's all part of my Rock & Roll Fantasy.
May 25, 2004
After putting together a preliminary touring and recording budget for my Rock & Roll band, I have realized that it is financially unrealistic to start a band from scratch. Just look at some of these expenses!
Expendables: Strings, Cigarettes, etc...................$98/day
24 Track Recording Session..................................$500/hour
Heroin and Suites for Four......................................$2,900/night
I think the thing for me to do is join an existing band, then gradually take over all creative control without offering to pay for anything.
Let me know if you hear of anybody in the New York area looking for a rock/metal guitar player with over 2 days experience. Influences: Led Zeppelin, Nazareth, INXS, Scorpions.
May 26, 2004
Re: yesterday’s entry.
I forgot to mention, I own my own fog machine.
May 27, 2004
I don’t know if it was kismet, serendipity, or simply the lure of a Rosco Pro fog machine, but Pat Freestone has secured his first Rock & Roll audition.
Yesterday afternoon, I perused the local free music press and stumbled across the following ad:
ALT/EMO THREESOME SEEKS YOUNG COOL GUITARIST FOR SERIOUS COMMITMENT. NO DRUGS, ATTITUDES, METAL SOLOS. INFLU- WHITE STRIPES, STROKES, SHINS. BOX #82554
I called up the Altemo Threesome (cool name!) and talked to a gentleman named Riley who is handling the auditions. It seems that the band’s original guitarist has moved away to pursue a bachelor’s degree at San Diego State University, and the remaining members are considering their options. Riley asked me if I had been in bands before. I was sort of caught off-guard, so I may have mentioned that I was in Sonic Youth.
Tonight we’re going to “jam” for a few hours and see what kind of “groove” we get into. I just hope the Altemo Threesome is familiar with “Smoke on the Water,” as it is the only song in my repertoire at present.
Fire in the sky,
May 28, 2004
Looks like old Pat Freestone isn’t “cool” enough for some kids these days.
Almost immediately upon walking into the Altemo Threesome’s professionally distressed, $3,500/month “warehouse space,” I knew I had walked into a nightmare. First of all, I discovered, they are not actually called The Altemo Threesome. They are called Lamb Baby. And even ignoring the fact that these boys are obviously spoiled prep-school drop-outs with little to do other than receive rent money from their parents and apply lady products to their hair, it’s still amazing that they have not yet been beaten to death by their own neighbors.
Let’s start with Riley, the singer. His first question to me was, “how old are you?” Then he proceeded to criticize my Dave Mustaine Signature Model Series DV8-R flying-V guitar before I had even plugged in. Finally, he went outside to smoke French cigarettes and talk on his cell phone.
Then there was Jayson, the bassist. After disputing my claims of being a member of Sonic Youth, he informed me with great irritation that the Lamb Baby was looking for someone much younger, with a more “garage” style. I then asked him to come closer and speak louder, because older folks like me don’t hear so well. When he got close enough, I bit him on the face.
I would tell you about the drummer, but there wasn’t any drummer. There was a phonograph and a table of disco equipment, operated by some pale tenderfoot named Aries who immediately ran away as soon as I sunk my teeth into the bass player.
And these tattooed sissies have the nerve to call themselves a Rock & Roll band?