Make Room for Mates
January 21, 2004
So now itís just the three of us. Just a few good men. Just three amigos. Three men and no baby. Just three ninjas kickiní back.. Sonny and me and Clicky makes three. Weíre three coins in a fountain. Three sheets to the wind. Three days of the condor. Threeóitís a magic number. Twoís company, three is us. One of us for each face of Eve. One for each ring in the circus. One...aítwo-hoo...thrrrree. Yep, there are three of us alright.
Last night, Sonny and I had a long heart-to-heart about things. He was sorry for turning my apartment into a homeless shelter. He felt terrible about losing his job at Kinkoís. He apologized for becoming an enabler to Ruthís angel dust addiction. I forgave him for everything, except of course, for eating my entire stockpile of homemade seal pemmican. That kind of forgiveness doesnít come cheap.
So we decided to try again to get Sonny back on his feet. Tomorrow, he will begin looking for a job, so that he can contribute a share of the rent. I suppose Iíll need to find some sort of program for Clicky. I tried looking up social services for adult children of termites on the web, and all I got were exterminators and insect porn. Iíll try county services in the morning.
Itís great to be back in my own bed again. Even though Clicky chewed through part of the headboard, itís still a damn fine place to call it a day.
January 22, 2004
The key to living with othersóbe they family, friends, or cell matesóis to understand and respect each individualís personal boundaries. Thatís why Iíve drawn up a list of my ground rules for Sonny and Clicky, and requested that they draw up lists of their own. I plan on posting all of our lists in a common space, like the laundry room, or on the inside of the commode lid.
My list includes items like these:
*AFTER 11 PM, PLEASE LIMIT THE SMOKING OF NARCOTICS TO THE LIVING ROOM ONLY
*PLEASE DO NOT EAT THE FURNITURE OR FLOORS. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SNACK ON PLANKS OR KINDLING FROM THE WOODPILE IN THE BASEMENT, PLEASE CONTACT SUPERINTENDENT LIMON.
*IF I SUDDENLY DIE, CONTACT MY MOTHER, TELL HER IíM SICK AND NEED HER IMMEDIATELY, AND THEN AS SOON AS SHE ARRIVES, SHOW HER MY DEAD BODY AND CRY OUT, "YOU WERE TOO LATE, DAMN YOU!"
*MY COLLECTION OF RACIALLY OFFENSIVE FIGURINES IS NOT TO BE TOUCHED
*AT NO TIME IS ANY BILLY JOEL MUSIC OR BILLY JOEL MEMORABILIA* ALLOWED IN THE APARTMENT (*DOES NOT INCLUDE PIECES OF BILLY JOEL, SUCH AS SKULL OR TEETH)
*IF I EVER ACCUMULATE ANOTHER STOCKPILE OF SEAL PEMMICAN, YOU MAY NOT HAVE ANY
*FAILURE TO ABIDE BY THESE RULES WILL RESULT IN ME POUTING AND TAKING ON AN ALOOF AIR THAT MAY INCLUDE LACK OF EYE CONTACT AND HEAVY SIGHING FOR DAYS ON END
I think these are fair.
January 23, 2004
I presented my list of ground rules to Sonny and Clicky. They were generally open to most of the parameters, with just a few exceptions. After vigorous debate, I agreed to amend or drop several rules.
For example, rule #19, AT NO TIME SHALL SHOES BE WORN IN BED, was changed to AT NO TIME SHALL SHOES BE WORN IN BED BY MEN. For some reason, Sonny fought me really hard on this one, and I gave in.
Also, rule #30, THE GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL MUST BE CLEANED AND STORED AFTER EACH USE was amended to include the phrase "IF IT SMELLS WEIRD OR HAS CHEESE ON IT."
And finally, rule #79, NO BLATANT DISREGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE was dismissed as being too vague.
Sonny and Clicky are going to work on their lists this weekend.
You have a good one,
January 26, 2004
Although it took me several hours to decipher and rewrite in a more legible manner, Sonnyís list of personal boundaries is complete. I initially thought that like the layout of my list, Sonnyís would be a straightforward, bulleted rundown of his specific rules and requests for our living arrangement. Instead, it was more of a free-form, memoir-style document, filled with rambling arguments, incoherent trains of thought, and poignant, childlike observations. In literary terms, it was sort of a cross between Charlotteís Web and The Unibomber Manifesto.
Here is a brief unedited excerpt:
"...heres the other thingóI dont like it when people start pushing up on me + start actin like they can see rite thru me or some shit. If I go in to a bar + ask for a mother fuckin beer, dont you serve me up a glass of god dam pepsi. Thats the truth. Maybe Im drunk, or maybe Im just cock eyed. Maybe I been workin on layin pipe all day + my hands are sore and I need some gin. Do you know why people dont like the goverment? Be cause of taxes.
I member one time when I was a little basturd like around ten + I tied this dogs tail to the front of my soap box car so he would pull me around. It was a big mother fuckin dog, like a great dane er some shit + I thought it was the greatest idea in the world. I tied that damn dog on + I sat back and held on for dear life + we went flyin down Kendell street like greesed lightnin for about half a block. And do you know why a dog pulls a sled? Be cause hes a dog. I am a Man + not a goddamn piece of shit dog that gets tired after two secends + dont respond to get hit with a stick. Im sorry that this sounds mean but I get real mad at the way people treat me some times.
I aint no bodys dog, + you better believe it."
I believe you, Sonny!
January 27, 2004
I feel it is my duty to share with you another excerpt from Sonnyís contribution to the house rulesóa work that is quickly becoming my favorite maniacal ramble of all time. I quote:
"I dont like it when the tv is on + no bodys watchin it because you can hear it just blabbin away in the room weather you want to or not + theres always this car insurance comershal that I hate + if I hafta hear it 1 more time Im gonna fuckin kill some body
theres a whole bunch of them + they all are stupid. it starts out like there trying to do one thing like a soap opera or a commercial for hair cream or some thing but then the guy says that he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Gieko. Man fuck Gieko!
First of all I dont like it when you try to trick me because you are not clever + I never fall for it anyway. So how are you gonna save me money if you spend so much money on making god dam tv comershals anyway? I seen about 20 different ones, + plus theres another whole mess of ones with the talking lizard + the one where theres a car made out of stars and a basebell breaks the window. Man that dont make no sense any dam way. Man fuck you!
I hate that fuckin tv + I wish Click didnít like it so much. Pat hates the dam thing more than me but the Click is all over that shit + needs to stop. Hes like a tv addick + I tell that boy so ever chance I get. Id beat his ass accept I feel sorry for him cause his mom and dad is crickets. Thatís the kind of brains you get when you raised by bugs. You just wannna watch the fuckin cable all dam day.
Plus its bad to sit so close specially when you got the dam lights out! Man fuck cable!
I know what youíre thinking, because thatís precisely what Iím thinking. Genius.
January 28, 2004
I am speechless.
"I guess all I really need is a dry place to sleep + a sandwich every couple days + maybe some liquor. As far as rules go I just got one + its called donít fuck with me if you want to keep that pretty face you got. Just leave me be so I can work on my inventions.
I got a whole mess of inventions and as soon as I get my shit together Im gonna go down to the post office and send for one a them inventor licences. Then Im gonna sit back and get rich off my inventions.
I got this one called the Garbage Broom. Itís a broom thatís got a garbage can inside it so everytime you sweep its all ready in the garbage can + you will never need to buy no dustpan.
Then I got this one called the Grazer. Its like a razor accept it just cuts off part of your beard. That way you can have the stubble like the ladies like. Plus you donít need to go out and buy you some shaving soap + all that other business. You just got your Grazer + your all set to go.
But this is the best one of all because it fills a real need that people got. Itís a new kinda cigarette that I call the QWIK-SMOKE. When I was a bum I was always pickin up cigarettes off the street and thinkin man some dummy just threw away almost a whole cigarette boy he must be rich or something. Then I started noticin that people donít smoke like they used to because you cant smoke inside anywhere + people get cold standin out in the rain and whatnot so they only smoke half a smoke + then the rest goes to waste or to a bum.
Now it might be tough luck for the bums but I figure what you do is you make a cigarette thatís only half as long as a reglar smoke so you can just have a quick smoke. Thatís why I call em QWIK SMOKES. So instead of getting 20 in a pack you get 40 in the same size pack that still fits in your pocket or whathaveyou + also the filters are a little smaller cause you donít need so much of that any way. I figure they cost a little more but its still a deal cause that one pack will last you twice as long. So for all them times when your in a restarant or jail or in a doctors office + you have to go stand outside you can just fire up a QWIK SMOKE + its just the perfect amount, or if you feel like smokin more you just go ahead and light up another one. And if someone says can I bum a smoke then your only giving away half as much as you usually do.
I cant beleve they aint come up with that yet at Malboro. But if they do then you all know they stole my idea and I should get all the money. Im hopin you two guys can back me up on that."
Iíll say it again: I am speechless.
January 29, 2004
Our official list of house rules is nearly complete. All that remains is to add Clickyís contributionóif he ever completes it, that is.
Heís been locked in the back bedroom all week working on it. Sonny has warned me that Clicky is not very handy with the pen and paper, but I canít imagine how it could take a person so long to scribble down a few simple sentences. I brought him some Chips Ahoy last night in an attempt to get a peek at his progress, but he wouldnít let me in the room. I slid the cookies under the door one by one.
I try to keep him full of sweets. That way he wonít be tempted to eat the night stand.
January 30, 2004
Okay. Weíre all set.
Rules are rules.
February 17, 2004
Now that Sonny and Clicky have settled in and become permanent roommates, Iíve finally gotten a chance to reflect on them as human beings, and begin building the long-term bonds of familiarity.
NINE WEIRD THINGS SONNY DOES AT THE DINNER TABLE
9. Stares Angrily at Butter/Margarine
8. Saves Peas for Last
7. Puts Ice in Salad
6. Refers to Fork as "Fark"
5. Keeps Small Area on Plate Clear for Use as Ashtray During Meal
4. Asks to Say Grace and then Says, "Aw, Fuck It."
3. Constantly Points out that My Cooking is Better than Eating from a Dumpster
2. Bursts into Tears
1. Puts Leftovers Directly into Pockets
February 18, 2004
NINE WOODS CLICKY THE TERMITE BOY HAS NEVER HEARD OF
February 19, 2004
THE NINE BASIC CAUSES OF ALL ROOMMATE DISPUTES
9. The last beer
8. My good sweater
7. That chick Debbie
6. Your half of the September phone bill
5. Those lame-ass stoner friends of yours that burned a huge hole in my couch
4. Your goddamn secretary that I am not
3. The one fucking roll of generic paper towels youíve bought in the entire four years youíve lived here
2. That time when I came home from Spring Break and the controller for my X Box was mysteriously broken
1. Your constant lying bullshit
February 20, 2004
NINE THINGS STARTING WITH THE LETTER "S" THAT SONNY HAS PICKED UP OFF THE STREETS