Pat Freestone

Pat Freestone: Ladies' Man



September 5, 2002

Big news, everyone!

Last night, I was paid a surprise visit by none other than the birth mother of yours truly--Mrs. Mabelline Freestone!

Mother was on her way to a convention held in Niagara Falls by her chapter of the National Women's Athletic Club in Spokane, Washington when she decided to stop over at my apartment in Yonkers for the night!

We had a wonderful time catching up and reminiscing about the good old days in Puyallup. We even treated ourselves to a game of Scrabble, just as we did when I was a young man living at home. As usual, Mother won. But what a long way I have come! Imagine, Pat Freestone making up the couch for the mother he hasn't seen in four years!


scrabble


September 6, 2002

Hello again, friends.

Here at Big Screen Video, I often pass the slow hours by turning through the pages of Ruth's rather bulky collection of ladies' fashion magazines I find it an invaluable tool in my quest to reach a greater understanding of women. Maybe some of you young women who read my humble section can help me comprehend some of the more puzzling articles I've come across in my reading.



ELEVEN CONFUSING WOMEN'S MAGAZINE HEADLINES

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11. 7 WOMEN, 4 BUTTS

10. 21 GREAT EXFOLIANTS IN YOUR MAN'S TOOL BOX

9. 8 TRUE FACTS ABOUT WEIGHT-LOSS TAPEWORMS



8. 11 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE CROWBAR SMASHING THROUGH THE BEDROOM WINDOW

7. 101 WAYS TO FELLATE YOUR WAY INTO HIS STABLE OF DOORMATS

6. 77 ITEMS IN YOUR PURSE YOU CAN EAT TO SURVIVE ALONE IN THE OUTBACK



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5. 33 FACIAL BENEFITS OF HYSTERICAL CRYING

4. 357 THINGS HE DOES WITH HIS PENIS WHILE YOU'RE AT WORK

3. 15 TIPS FOR LOSING WEIGHT WHILE REFUSING TO CONFRONT ISSUES

2. 9 LIES YOUR TAMPONS TELL YOU

1. 44 SIGNS YOU'RE HIS PERFECT MOTHER/WHORE

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You go, girl!

Love,

Pat Freestone


September 9, 2002

Good day.

I'm sorry, but I'm in somewhat of a snit today. You see, I found a note in the Late Night Video Return Tub this morning that angered and saddened me beyond all hope. It apparently came from a confused child who mistook our drop slot for a postal receptacle. Apparently, this young person was attempting to enter a contest sponsored by a cold cream company. Be warned: this is perhaps the most offensive and depraved item I have ever come across in the Late Night Return Tub, and that includes such materials as Girlz Interrupted #6 and There's Something Inside Mary.

jlo letter

I weep for our future.


Pat Freestone


Sepetmber 24, 2002

Pat Freestone is back!

After a hot bath, a night in my own bed, and 800mgs of Carbamazepine, I'm feeling almost myself again. I certainly am glad to be back in time to accept the delivery of the VHS re-orders, including the long-awaited replacement cassette of Private Benjamin . Now, I'm not usually one to get caught up in a celebrity crush, but in this case, I must make an exception. I'll just get right to the point: Goldie Hawn really floats my boat.

Now, you hot-blooded men out there might like to sing the praises of well-known Hollywood pin-ups like Farrah Fawcett, or Loni Anderson, or, say, Jaqueline Bisset, but for my money, none of them can even hold a candle to the lovely Goldie Hawn.

over board

Although Goldie has starred and co-starred in many memorable features, my all time favorite would have to be the 1987 Gary Marshall comedy entitled Overboard. Of particular interest to fans of the redoubtable Miss Hawn is surely the "cedar closet" scene in which Goldie--playing the wealthy and spoiled Joanna Stayton--chews out Dean Profitt, the sweaty, semi-bare-chested carpenter played by her real-life beau Kurt Russell. Goldie lights up the silver screen in a golden thong, as Kurt, his slightly dirty, muscular arms crossed defensively over his well-tanned upper body, fights for his working man's dignity. And yet, despite Kurt's rugged good looks and Adonis-like chest, neck, abdomen, thighs, and buttocks, Goldie steals the show.

I often wonder what it must be like to be Kurt Russell, and to wake up every morning next to Goldie Hawn. I imagine him rolling over, his bronze skin contrasted against the delicate cream-colored sheets, perhaps kissing Goldie on the cheek, with a slightly sleep-hoarse, "good morning, lover."

Then, it's off to the shower, where Kurt's muscular build is silhouetted in the steam, encased inside the elegant edifice of chrome and glass. As he soaps up his gleaming chest, luxurious lather runs down along the channels of his well-defined abdominals, caresses his deep navel, and splits into two milky streams running down the inside of either thigh. And all the while, the beautiful Goldie sleeps like an angel.

Some might say I'm obsessed with Goldie Hawn. Well, if that's wrong, as they say, then I don't want to be right. Let's put it this way: I am so attracted to Goldie Hawn, I can't imagine any sexual act I would deny her. I would pleasure her in any way she requested, at any time of the day or night. I would even have sex with her long-time partner Kurt Russell, just to be closer to Goldie. I could easily allow Kurt t o ravage my body, and think to myself, "as much as I am not homosexual, I am thrilled because this powerful man to whom I am now surrendering has also made love to the most beautiful woman in the whole world." And I would think of Goldie's gorgeous blue eyes and precious dimpled smile as I drifted off into post-coital sleep, nuzzled against Kurt's stubbled cleft chin. I kid you not. I love Goldie Hawn that much.

Whoo! Is it hot in here?

See you tomorrow,

Pat Freestone